Our "Why": Somewhere Over the Rainbow
I'm rarely at a loss for words, but when it comes to penning this post...I have been. It was originally going to happen on Oct. 15, which is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day; along with, what was going to be the launch of our baby website and brand. The day came and went, and my always patient husband didn't question or pressure me to get this done. I've struggled greatly with this post, & in his own quiet way, I know Josh has as well (Josh is our Maker Man. lol, many don't realize his name) We'd agreed that perhaps by sharing part of our journey, we could both help others, and just "live our truth", so to speak, in why this brand launch is really special and important to us. We are part of the 1 in 4 who have experienced the loss of a baby during pregnancy....20 years ago.
There. The words are out there. I'd tried to "launch" this website & brand back in January when we'd committed to a baby; however, without the back story as to the "why" behind it, it just felt generic and insincere. Ever since this crazy little business started, I've always connected with my customers. I've insisted that my presence on social media be conducted by me, because I want it to be authentic. I've also endured all the thoughts and opinions of so many through our struggle in infertility, and having to know there's a hefty price tag on us conceiving, with no guarantee. With each kind person who offers advice, I want to scream "you have no idea though what we've been through!" Of course, that wouldn't be fair because noone does except for us, a couple very close friends, and his children which we discussed it with last Christmas when we committed to a child together.
However, the truth behind that "why" is something I'd buried for 20 years, & a truth that only a couple of others besides us had known. There are traumas in life that are much easier coped with by just shutting the door to them. When Josh & I re-connected in life, that door was most definitely opened back up. When we fell in love, married, & decided we desperately want to share a child between us...the door was permanently opened.
The "other" Story of Us....
This is the chapter that I'm not really sure how to write. That cute couple on the left was us at 17. We started dating, and had such a great time together. We were close friends, and as young people, managed deciding whether we were best friends, or in love. At 17, we were both athletes, I was going to run the world, haha, and had plans, & neither of us wanted to take the road our parents had and be young, married, & pregnant...
2 years later, at the age of 19, I ended up pregnant, and both of us terrified. Not long after finding out, I went through finding out that I had experienced what is called a chemical pregnancy. 20 years ago, I'm not sure that was what the Dr called it. I called it being punished by God for not wanting a baby, and being irresponsible. Josh & I stopped even being friends for awhile, & slowly worked our way back to that; never speaking about what we'd went through. Josh remembers it all much more vividly than I do. It's amazing because I'm the one with a mind that never forgets...and yet that chapter of my life isn't one that I remember much of. It really is true that true trauma can be blocked by your mind to protect and allow you to go on living.
It really was that simple too. I was thrilled for his next girlfriend (she's still my best friend, and was my maid of honor at our wedding), and I was thrilled for myself to just live my life, move to a big city after college, & never think about the baby that almost was. That is, until I lost my Dad 10 years later. I found myself dreaming of him with a little girl. I found myself sad, and feeling a piece of myself missing. Still, I continued on with life, and pushed it down.
Out of nowhere, 14 years after we'd last known one another, that same best friend stepped back into my life via text on my way to hot yoga one day in Feb a few years back...the rest is "history", as the saying goes. (We wish! ha! It was a bumpy road, to our happily ever after!) Our song is "Broken Road" because it just sums up everything about our path.
Josh became the "Maker Man" and then my husband. I really never knew I could love the way that we do, and for awhile I felt really guilty for this twinge inside of me of mourning that here this man ended up being my "forever", and yet we were missing a piece of us. It turned out, Josh felt the same way. We committed that "Baby Perk" as he calls it, would come to life. There's a previous blog post that outlines "us" from there.
So there it is. The "why" behind why we chose to break off Baby as its own brand, why it is so important to us, and why the baby we are praying and working for, is also a really important piece in completing our family. Sometimes God really does give you a second chance in life...
"For this child I have prayed"...
Love,
The Perkins'